A Mother’s Guilt

Posted August 21 2009 by Crystal in Daily Life - 2 Comments

Until about age 2, Buzz and I had a bond that could not be broken. It was strong, crushing, immeasurable. It was a me and him against the world mentality. To this day, I’m still the one he runs to first. I’m the one he looks for if he happens to wake in the middle of the night. I understand him better, and I always have.

I didn’t have such a fierce connection like this with Jedi. It’s not even as close with Abby. It was just like electricity that struck between Buzz and I.

Around age 2 is when I was in the uncomfortable burgeoning midst of my pregnancy with Abby. I didn’t have the stamina nor capacity to be how I was before, not to mention the body armor as the boy grew rough. And now, I don’t have the hands, energy, or patience for much of anything.

It doesn’t take a child psychologist to surmise this is why he acts out like he does. It’s for attention. The attention he wants, the attention I used to be able to hand out in immeasurable scoops. It’s frustrating, on numerous levels. For both of us.

And so there is guilt. Guilt for not being there enough, even though I’m right here. Guilt for being aggravated when I know I shouldn’t be, it’s just as much my fault as it is his. Guilt for not helping him more. Guilt for not feeling as connected to him as I once did. Guilt for cussing him under my breath some days. Guilt for absolutely despising this age and stage that he’s currently immersed in. There are so many I don’t's that I could throw out right now and not nearly enough I can’s.

Every mother has guilt over something. This is mine.

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  1. 2 Responses

  2. 1

    From: Molly
    on August 21 2009

    I think this is the hard part for all mothers of multiple children, at least to some extent. Patience is something I’ve been working very diligently at since my third was born, and trying to keep our house a fairly calm place. One thing that has really helped us is for me to stop every now and then, even if it’s right in the middle of what I was doing, for thirty seconds or whatever, to give my full attention when they’re asking for it (at least a couple of the three thousand times per day). It’s not easy to balance the needs of three young children, plain and simple. Don’t beat yourself up too much.
    .-= Molly´s latest blog post… Life lessons I’ve learned in the last twenty-four hours =-.

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  3. 2

    From: Candace
    on August 21 2009

    Gene and I are wanting to try for #2 next summer and I’ve gone back and forth in my head over the pros and cons. I definitely don’t want an only child and I want my children to be no more than 3 years apart in age.. but I sometimes wonder how difficult it is going to be to divide my attention amongst more than 1 child. I think you do a wonderful job with your 3 kids and I think you are a wonderful Mother. I can’t imagine having 3 young children and trying to find balance and meeting each and every one of their needs! It HAS to be a difficult job. Hang in there and try not to kick yourself too much *hugs*

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