The Brave Cape

December 17 2009 · 5 Comments
Posted in: Daily · Tags: life, motherhood

There was a whistle that had slid underneath the stove. Maddie was pointing at it, in an obvious plea for help. I winced at the darkness, feeling crumbs on my palm, but it was just out of my grasp. At which point, I reached for my Brave Cape. Finding a thin piece of broken molding, I swept it’s stolen contents and held my breath.

I didn’t know the last time that stove had been moved. You see, we rent. Not only did I not know when it was last moved, but I have no idea of who lived in this house before us. What I could possibly find underneath these large appliances really, truly scared me.

But I had on my Brave Cape, so I tried as best I could to mentally prepare for the worst. I swept. Out flew a few alphabet magnets I hadn’t seen since we first moved in more than 2 years ago. I swept again. More long lost magnets, as well as mutant dust bunnies the size of Mexico.

I was pleasantly shocked to find nothing inherently gross. There were no used condoms circa 2002, nor were there any unidentified bones. These were just a few of the many disgusting scenarios I was half expecting. I breathed a heavy sigh of relief.

Since I was still smugly decked in my Brave Cape, I decided to take a sweep under the refrigerator. More magnets, a soy sauce pack, and an old bottle top. Except, I thought I could feel something. That was it. I was done. We’ve had enough brevity for a day, anyway.

And look kids! Magnets! It’s like brand new toys! Just let me wash them off first.

For the rest of the day, Ethan and Maddie fought relentlessly over those stupid magnets. No good deed goes unpunished. As for the whistle, it’s still trapped somewhere under the stove.

Shaved: A Birthday Tale

December 15 2009 · 5 Comments
Posted in: Daily · Tags: conversation, family

Today is my mom’s 64th birthday. In celebration, I thought I would share a phone conversation we recently had. Because you never know quite what you’re going to get when talking with my mom. Also, this is the reason why I don’t tell my family about my website.

In a hushed tone, my mother begins, “I think your brother’s shaved.”

Now, I know she’s not talking about his face, because he shaves that every day. So at this point, I’m wondering whether I really want to further this discussion. I take a cautious step forward. “What?”

Still almost whispering, she continues, “Your brother. I think he had his back and chest shaved.”

Since it could be worse, and I’m slightly amused at her reaction, “Did he have a lot of hair on his back?”

“He had hair everywhere. Then he took off his shirt the other day and it’s all gone! I must be getting old, because it shocked me! Doesn’t that shock you?”

“Not really. Back hair probably should be shaved.”

She concedes, “I guess so. I’ve just never known anyone to shave like that before.”

Yes, Mom, you are getting old. And I now know more about my brother’s body hair than I ever wanted to.

She then told me that I couldn’t tell ANYONE. She made me swear. As if my brother’s newly shorn back is a matter of national security. That’s fine, Mom, I won’t tell ANYONE. I’ll just tell the ENTIRE INTERNET. Happy Birthday!

Sorry Kids, Santa Hates You

December 14 2009 · 3 Comments
Posted in: Daily · Tags: Christmas, grrr face, life

The last time we tried to visit Santa, it didn’t go so well. It was 2 years ago. Even though we were able to wave hello from a considerable distance, Ethan was too young to comprehend what was going on and Jayden would have nothing more to do with him.

This year, we thought we’d try again. Jayden is a lot more outgoing now and Ethan has a stronger grasp of the concept. Of course, Maddie would think it’s nothing more than a white beard in a red suit, but 2 out of 3 isn’t bad odds.

In fact, “Santa” even sent text messages meant for Jayden. Saying, in part, how he was thrilled to meet him. Oh, and to stop picking his nose. That Santa, he’s always watching.

Ethan was just excited.

We make it to the mall and walk around aimlessly for awhile. We try to find a double stroller to rent, but none are available. That should have been our first clue as to how the day would end. We go up and down the escalator, then the elevator, because this is like a cheap carnival ride to the kids. Finally, we wind our way to Santa.

We stop and gawk and point. Ethan’s eyes are the size of saucers. Jayden is practically bouncing. We take our place at the end of a relatively gentle line and prepare to wait. That’s when the man ahead of us whispers to J. Because this is our luck, Santa is about to go on break after their turn. For an hour. OF COURSE.

Well, screw you, too, Santa.

Instead, we drove around again in search of Christmas light displays. It wasn’t Santa up close and personal, but we saw a few of the inflatable kind. At least they don’t crush the spirits of little boys by going on break right before their turn.

Q & A

December 11 2009 · 6 Comments
Posted in: The Kids · Tags: conversation, Jayden, motherhood

I heard him in the hallway, wondering where I went. If Jayden has a question, I’m the person he seeks. I was idly drying off after a shower, however, so he had to settle for J. Why he decided to respect my privacy for once is beyond me.

“Ok, um, Daddy? What does ‘radioactive’ mean?”

He should have just referred to the Incredible Hulk right here and been done with it. I mean, he glows green! How much more radioactive can you get? Instead, J fumbled for a few seconds, trying to find his own definition that a 6 year old could understand. I guess he couldn’t think of one, because he replied, “Um… uh… radioactive waves.”

“What are radioactive waves?”

“Umm… hmm…. it’s like… like a nuclear bomb.”

Even from the bathroom, I could see the next challenge coming from a mile away. As Jayden asked, I mouthed the words with him in unison. “What’s a nuclear bomb?”

Being the parent of a young child is a constant pop quiz, teetering on the brink of my mediocre education. Some days you pass, some days you fail, and some days your head is clogged and you wish you could call in sick. For now, I hold a slipping grasp on the answer key. Stories of superheroes aren’t going to suffice forever, though, but I’ll gladly take it while I can.

Jackalopes Aboundin’

December 09 2009 · 5 Comments
Posted in: The Kids · Tags: Ethan, good, motherhood

What does a lamb, a jackalope, and some groundhogs have in common? They’re all a part of Boundin’, a short Pixar film that Ethan adores. Basically, it’s a lesson in not being ashamed of who you are. Although, of course, Ethan is too young to care about a synopsis. He simply likes it for what it is.

Now sometimes you’re up and sometimes you’re down,
When you find that you’re down well just look around:
You still got a body, good legs and fine feet,
Get your head in the right place and hey, you’re complete!

For the 5 minutes that it’s on screen, we shuffle and dart about the room. I hold Ethan’s preschool-sized hands as we swing back and forth, our feet kicking up with the beat. The lyrics I know from heart by now, so I’ll sing along with silly faces while he acts out the words. We jump, we bounce, we slide, we smile. For a minute or two I feel like the Lord of the Dance.

Now every year, along about May,
They’d load him up and they’d haul him away,
And they’d shave him and dump him all naked and bare.
He learned to live with it, he didn’t care.

He’d just bound, bound, bound and rebound!

Most of the time, I don’t feel like a very fun parent. I’m either busy washing dishes or changing diapers or refilling milk cups or breastfeeding Maddie or clearing noses or picking up messes or scolding or cooking dinner or recovering for a quick minute. Very rarely do I have an opportunity to play. So this. This is our thing. Mine and Ethan’s. This is our time just to laugh, together.