Archive for the ‘grrr face’ Tag
August 13 2009
I’ve mentioned before that cooking and I have a very tense relationship. Aside from the mess and the measuring and keeping kids out of the kitchen, everyone is a critic. No matter what I prepare, someone is bound to have a negative word to say about it. I swear, doesn’t anyone have the common decency to just lie anymore?
Last night, along with our cheese-stuffed ravioli and garlic bread, I prepared salads for J and I. Salad from a sack, I should mention. J took one bite of his lettuce and inappropriately spit it back out, declaring that it “tasted bad”. Mine tasted perfectly fine. This is the SAME salad, from the SAME sack, arranged the SAME way. They were IDENTICAL. He avoided the remainder of his like the plague, I ate every bite of mine.
I don’t know why I took offense to this, but I did. It’s not as if I made the lettuce; all I did was open a bag and pour into a bowl. If anyone has the right to be offended, it would be our nation’s proud farmers. Along with the workers at the lettuce packaging plant, who are putting in a hard day’s work just to make a few dollars so they can feed their families, keep a roof over their heads, and strive ever closer to the American Dream.
Way to go, J. Not only did you offend me, but you insulted the heart of America. Next time, just eat the damn salad already.
August 07 2009
J was pulled over by the city’s finest the other day. Did you know it’s illegal to drive with expired tags on your car? Especially tags that have been expired for over 2 months? At a certain point, feigning idiocy no longer passes.
And so they towed our car and we had to pay $100 to retrieve it. Before that happened, however, they violated our leather upholstery with a strip search. Apparently, the police took J to be a drug runner or something.
Which is an easy mistake to make, sure. I mean, with the tie and pressed slacks he was currently wearing for work. That’s what all drug runners wear, right? No, seriously, I’m asking you because I HAVE NO IDEA.
So they have him pulled over, rifling through last weeks McDonald’s wrappers and drink cups. We end up with 3 tickets and they eventually tow our car because they’re greedy bastards who want every dime they can get. AWESOME.
But! In doing so, they found the lens cap to my camera that’s been missing since our trip to Michigan a month ago. Silver lining, people. Silver lining.
July 28 2009
My parents offered to watch the kids if I wanted to go with J to buy Abby’s birthday gifts. I should have taken them up on it, but I wasn’t expecting him to be quite so ridiculous at such a task. On a list of Things J Sucks At, this would be in the top 5; behind hanging up the bathroom towel and answering his cell phone. His exceeds or meets expectations list is about a million miles long, though, so I keep him around.
It’s not just Abby, actually. He was rather awful with Buzz’s 1st birthday, too.
The cell phone answering and the gift purchasing actually go hand in hand on this one. While at the store, J called and described what he was about to buy. I was too downright floored at the time to form the proper reaction. What I should have said was “BACK AWAY FROM THE BARBIE.” When I got myself together enough, I tried calling him back to no avail. I called again, no answer. By the time I got ahold of him, it was too late.
Princess Barbie is now crashing on my couch. I’m thinking I should charge her rent.
That, along with 3 Mr. Potato Head’s when we already have 6 tossed about somewhere, dismembered limbs hiding in every nook and cranny. I told him: age appropriate, lights and sounds. LIGHTS AND SOUNDS. Needless to say, I’m doing the birthday shopping next year.
July 14 2009
The other day, J suggested a night at the drive-in movie theater. I glared at him as if he had hot pink devil horns sprouting from his head in response.
The idea is pleasant enough. However, reality is entirely subjective. Our last attempt at a drive-in movie night was before Abby was born. While J shared a front seat with Jedi, munching on popcorn, enjoying the show, having a grand time of it, I was stuck attempting to soothe and contain the wild beast in the back. A monster who was steadfast on utter chaos and destruction in such limited space. The hellion who absolutely refused to be restrained or cooperative or at a respectable movie watching volume, for crying out loud. Multiply this by 2 now and how is this fun for me?
How?
No, really, HOW?
Suffice it to say, the drive-in is unfortunately off limits for the 5 of us this summer. At least as far as I’m concerned. Add it to the ever growing list of maybe next year’s.
June 17 2009
Otherwise known as how my kid got banned from a Disney website.
Jedi likes to play games online. These range from juvenile to slightly more advanced. Nothing too extreme or grotesque, of course. I try to monitor his activity as much as possible, but it’s impossible to catch everything the other players say. He’s actually better with a computer than some people 5 times his age. Recently, I signed him up for ToonTown on disney.com, a children’s game where he can walk around as an inoffensive duck and talk to Mickey Mouse.
Yesterday afternoon, I received an email from Disney stating that my son’s ToonTown account was suspended for 24 hours due to inappropriate language. According to their chat logs, my 5 year old boy has been dropping swear words like a sailor. Apparently, he has termed Mickey an ass on a number of occasions. The other word is a ‘p’ word. I’ll let you use your imagination as I can just envision the high caliber of reader I would attract from Google off that one.
I do not like this ‘p’ word. I’ve said this word maybe twice in my entire life. J does not say this word, either. In other words, HE DID NOT GET THIS FROM US.
Damn internet.
When I showed this email to J, he said, “That can’t be right. It has to be a misspell from some other word.” I’ve been racking my brain ever since trying to come up with a word even close that would be such an oops with a slip of the key. Which means I have thought more about this word in the past 24 hours than I have in 30 years of my life.
I'm Crystal. A 30-something mom to 3 young kids living in the Midwest USA. When I'm not chasing my children, I'm a freelance writer and web designer. I like to tell stories from our days and share what we enjoy...
